MONDAY - THE MAN WITH THE COAT
The Answer

 “Stop that woman,” I yell as a flash of black and purple polka dots disappear through the crowd of busy shoppers. The Ironsides District of town is packed with people and tourists moving erratically from one store to the next or staring lazily at the giant picture windows of Haran’s Department Store.

No one is paying attention to the woman dressed in a long polka-dotted costume and mask, whisking her way through their midst while clutching a 16th century Sengoku artifact that she stole from the antiquities department at Charon State University, my own department.

Yet, the notorious villain and thief, Polka Dot, is not being pursued by some mere professor of archaeology… and sometimes freshman history. No, today she faces the justice of the Answer!

I crash to the cold hard frozen ground as a cop tackles me. “Okay, boys, I got him.”

“No, officer.” I struggle to get back up. “You don’t understand. I’m a superhero—”

“Yeah, pal.” I can feel him trying to get the cuffs on my wrist. “We hear that all time, but from where I’m sitting: black mask, black hat, and ratty trench coat. You’re a villain if ever there was one.”

“I’m going for a classic look,” I say as Polka Dot disappears completely in the crush of the holiday crowds. “Also, I’m sorry to do this, officer, but I need to recover that artifact.”

I use my free hand to reach into my coat, the familiar sensation of the infinite pocket dimension I keep in there tingles my arm.

In one swift motion I flip over and pull out of my pocket… a container of talcum baby powder.

The cop just stops struggling and looks at it. “What are you going to do with that, stop my athlete’s foot.”

I squeeze the bottle in his face. He coughs and sputters, trying to clear his eyes and I’m able to slip out from underneath him.

“Stop,” yells his partner just now reaching us through the shoppers, many of which have stopped to watch.

“Sorry,” I say again, and unscrew the powder and toss it down like a smoke bomb. I hold my breath and push as hard I can through the crowds. Everyone around me is coughing and choking. I make my way toward Ironside Square and the seven story statue of the old World War II superhero that sits at the center of it.

I jump on the base and look above the crowd. I can see that the two cops are calling in backup and are pushing their way toward me, but there’s no time to worry about them. I see her. Polka Dot catches sight of me and disappears down a nearby alley between stores.

It’s always an alley.

I drop down and run towards her, reaching into my pocket again and pulling out… a giant floppy seabass. It will have to do. I heft it like a club and reach the alley’s opening.

“There’s nowhere to go,” I say in my best hero voice.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she says holding the Chinese amulet in one hand. “The best thing about polka dots is that they go with everything and go everywhere you want.” In one motion she touches her dress and pulls off one of the dots. It expands as she throws it and lands on the nearby wall, creating some sort of portal.

“Wait,” I charge her, but I’m too late. She hops through and the portal closes behind her. “Damnit.”

“Mr. Answer?”

I turn at the voice, my seabass ready for battle, but I relax as the hulking shadow steps into the alley. “Edward? What are you doing here?”

“I had to pick up JJ’s Santa suit up from the cleaners,” he says holding a red garment bag. I like Edward, even if he works at a bar that caters to supervillains. “I think the police are looking for you?”

I put the giant fish back in my small pocket and peer around the bouncer back to the main street. “Yeah, I could have handled this better, but don’t worry. I’ll be able to escape with my...” I reach into my pocket… “Left shoe?”

I’m holding my own left shoe in my hand, which is now noticeably missing from my left foot. I pull again, “Box of pancake mix.” I keep reaching in to find something better, “Roll of electrical tape, a stapler, a fencing foil, a newspaper from 1965, my right shoe, and a half-eaten candy bar.”

I drop them all and bend down to put my shoes back on. “Okay, none of these are going to be any help.”

“I wish there was something I could do?” says Edward and then my eyes stop on the garment bag.

“Actually...”

Moments later I emerge onto the street dressed from head to toe in red and white fur and with a big fluffy beard covering my face. I’m still wearing my regular clothes underneath, and if I’m being honest I may have put on a few pounds over Hanukkah, so I fill out the suit almost too convincingly.

“I really do not think that you should be wearing the suit,” says Edward trailing behind me. “I do not know if JJ would be happy about this.”

“It’s only till we make it past the cops,” I say waving to the shoppers and small children. “Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas, everybody.”

“Santa, Santa,” says a small girl in pink ribbons and pigtails running up to me and tugging on my pants. “Is it really you?”

I glanced up at the small force of police now combing the square and getting closer. “Of course it is.” I bend down to her. “If I wasn’t the real Santa would I be able to do this.” I reach beneath my coat into my pocket and pull out a grotesque looking Frankenstein doll with ooze and pus coming out of it.

“Santa must’ve made a mistake—”

“Oh, Santa,” she squeals in delight and snatchs it from me. “It’s a My Little Monster with removable appendages and everything. It’s just what I’ve always wanted. It even makes realistic screaming noises.” She squeezes it and the doll starts groaning and shrieking like a bat on fire.

“Thank you, thank you.” She hugs me and goes running back to a mother who is giving me a very dirty look.

“But he’s the real Santa,” I hear her say as she is dragged off.

That’s enough to start the line. Children emerge from the crowd and for the next hour I find myself reaching into my coat and pulling out toy tanks, little dolls that wet themselves, video games, and even a rather odd action figure that burps when you pressed a button.

“Thank you for my Burping Bill action figure, Santa,” says the little boy as he runs back to his father.

“I thought you wanted to leave,” says Edward, still towering behind me like a giant somber elf.

I pose for a picture with a child before handing her a small science kit with real phosphorus powder. “I know, but you don’t understand. My powers have never worked this well before. Normally when I reach for something I get trash or junk, or something wildly inappropriate to reveal at elegant dinner parties... which your mother never lets you live down… but for some reason, my powers are working perfectly. Every kid is getting exactly what they want.”

“But what about the police?”

“That’s the point,” I say looking at the group of gathered cops watching a makeshift Santa surrounded by kids and tourists. “They always think I’m a villain, but for once I get to be a hero. These kids are looking up to me. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s an after-Hanukkah miracle.”

“Excuse me,” says one of the officers finally walking up to me. “If you’re the real Santa then what do I want for Christmas?” I notice the handcuffs in his hands and the talcum powder on his face.

I reach into my coat again and he tenses, but when I pull it back out I'm holding a funny-looking giraffe toy. Without thinking I hand it to him and he clutches it in a shaking hands. “It’s Jackson Giraffe, like the one I lost when I was a kid… how’d you know?”

Without warning he grabs and hugs me. “You are the real Santa.”

“Am I?” I look at Edward, but he just shrugs.