TUESDAY - THE GIFT OF EDWARD
Edward

 “Do you think JJ will like it?” I say holding up a green tie with yellow stripes on it. I got it at the store.

“Edward, sugah, that tie is more hideous than that mystery stain in the ladies room,” says Georgia. She is wearing a red Santa hat and her shirt says, jingle bells? only if you buy me a drink first. “And when have you ever seen JJ wear anything other than a plain black tie?”

“But it was the only gift I could find,” I say over the Christmas music.

“It’s fine, darling.” She picks up a tray of drinks. “Ain’t no one around here getting what they want for the holidays, anyhow... damn that holy snow maker.” She says the last part like she is angry.

The bar is filled with people in costumes, but not the usual costumes. Many of the villains are wearing red hats, big sweaters, silver garlands, or even blinking lights. Of course, Dr. Neon does not need any lights, he is already glowing red and green. Brawlcano is wearing reindeer antlers, but they are beginning to melt, probably because of his lava.

I am very happy to see so many people in the bar. It has felt so empty lately, but everyone loves the annual Christmas party. There is free egg nog, which Quiz Master keeps filling up with a flask from his jacket, and there are even freshly baked cookies. Well, at least I think they are freshly baked. That is what they said on the package when Georgia had me open them.

“Edward,” JJ walks out from behind the bar with a red apron on. I quickly hide the tie behind my back. “I am going in the back to put on the suit. You brought it back from the cleaners, right?”

I nod. “Yes, JJ. After, Mr. Answer was done using it, I hung it by the door. Mr. Singh at the cleaners even got the smell out of it.” Last year the Glitter Bomber threw up all her vodka. It was both colorful and terrible at the same time.

“I’m sure it’s fine, Edward.” He pats me on the arm and smiles. It has been a long time since I have seen JJ smile. I know he has been very worried about the bar, but I also know that he loves this time of year. I am glad he is happy again.

He walks toward the back room to get dressed, and I notice that Georgia was right. His tie is black. I do not remember him ever wearing any other type of tie, except the one he wears at the funerals. I think I got him a bad gift. Maybe I can still get him something better.

I walk toward the snack table, but it is not easy. I am very and there are a lot of people in my way. Doctor Zirconium bumps into me. He has little ornaments hanging from his torn lab coat.

All around me people are talking and laughing:

“I was thinking of getting one of those moon bases. You know, an evil lair on the moon with lasers and a legion of shiny armored henchmen.”

“C’mon, man. A moon base?”

“They were all the rage in the nineties.”

“So were fanny packs. A moon base is a horrible idea. There's no room for storage, the heating bill would always be astronomical, and don’t get me started on the commute. Plus, if you build it on the dark side you’d never get any light, and I just get really bad seasonal depression.”

I bump into Slaughter-Mouse, and even though he is tiny he looks upset. I think I made him spill his drink. I try to say I am sorry, but he walks away, and keep pushing through people’s conversations:

“I’m thinking about going for a new look. How do you feel about purple?”

“Purple isn’t an evil color?”

“Don’t tell that to Mad Mauve.”

“Isn’t she dead?”

“Yeah, but not from fashion...”

I stop to laugh at Ambidangerous. He is using both of hands to juggle his swords, but then he drops one and everyone laughs, except for the Piper. He is just screaming. I move past them as I listen to more people talk around me:

“...so I pulled the old “Three Christmas Ghosts” routine on him.”

“Oh, you mean you made him think he was being haunted for his sins until he gave up all his money?”

“Yeah and it almost worked too.”

“What happened?”

“Three actual ghosts showed up and scared off my henchmen.”

I step over Green Fiend. He is dressed like one of Santa’s elves and is passed out, but he is talking to himself, “...wizard imps and sweat sock pimps, interstellar mongrel nymphs...”

“There you are, you lamentable lumox,” says Mandroid as he almost trips over the man on the floor. “Is there anywhere you can hide me?”

“There is space under the bar where we put the kegs, but you are much larger than a keg, and much louder. Why do you want me to hide you?”

“It’s Dr. Mythos. He keeps going on and on about his latest creation, some robot centaur which he says is going to allow him to rule the world. I mean can you believe that guy, global domination in this economy? Some villains just don’t know how to play the game, or how to take a hint.”

“I have to go. I need to find a gift for JJ—”

“I remember this one time I subcontracted out a plot to take down the Federal Trade Commission to this D-lister, the Glazer, and yeah it's exactly how it sounds. The guy wears a tank on his back that connects to two squirt guns that he uses to shoot fast drying glaze at his enemies. I mean how often do you think that actually works? At best you get a couple of grotesque cop statues, but at worst you get a mildly inconvenienced and very mad superhero.

“I suppose it was my fault really. I misread his application. I thought it said The Lazer, not The Glazer. Anyway, he was always going on and on about taking over the world, and I was like, Pal, you can’t even take over a pottery store, but of course I didn’t actually say that out loud to him. I’m evil, but I’m not inconsiderate—”

“Edward.” I turn and Georgia is standing there. “I need a hand with the drinks, ya hear?” She starts pulling on my arm. “Excuse us, Mandroid.”

“The Mandroid!”

“Thank you.” We pass Spider Silque who is laughing so hard little white strands are coming out of her nose.

“Of course, Edward. It looked like you could use a little help.” She grabs another tray of beers from the bar and walks into the crowd.

“Hey, Edward,” says Buddy. “Are you enjoying the party?” He pours two drinks, one is light and yellow, but the other is dark and looks like soup. Then he slides them down the bar to the Doomo Wrestler and a small woman he is with.

“Buddy, what should I get JJ for Christmas?”

“That’s a hard one.” The man smiles. He smiles a lot. I like Buddy.

“Giving gifts is always hard, especially wrapping them.”

“Well, when you find one I can help you wrap it. I once did a stint with the Happy Birthday Gang.”

“That sounds like a fun gang.”

He shakes his head. “We would convince some poor schlub on the street to deliver a gift or a card for us to a bank teller or the head of some corporate office… you know. Then we’d all break in wearing birthday hats and rob them blind once they unwrapped the box of knockout gas, or after they’d collapsed from the flash grenade hidden in the card. Then we’d put a mask on the poor guy we’d tricked into delivering the package, and the cops would nab him as the mastermind and we’d make it out with all the goods.”

“That doesn’t sound very nice.”

“It wasn’t, but I’m now a master gift wrapper.” He puts some liquor and ice in a glass and passes it down to Ma Jong who is flipping tiles at the end of the bar with Shadow Sparrow.

“What if I get him a calendar?”

“Well… I already got him this digital daily calendar. It helps keep appointments, and tells you all sorts of fun and historical facts about each day in history.” He shrugs and takes a dirty glass off the bar and starts washing it.

My shoulders slump. “That sounds like a perfect gift.”

“Well, you’ve known JJ longer than I have. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

“Edward!” JJ is not someone who ever yells. When he gets mad he usually gets very quiet, but this time is different. “Edward.”

He walks through the crowd so fast that Torquepine has to scramble to get out of his way. In his hand is a Christmas hat, but it has a big smoking hole in it.

“What happened?”

“Someone put their fruit cake on top of the bag holding my Santa suit.”

“This looks like acid.” Buddy touches the smoking hat.

“Toxic Grudge did come with a cake,” I say. “He told me it was a present to make up for the time he threw up in the toilet, and we had to get all new pipes put in.”

“It cost me a fortune to get all the drain pipes redone with galvanized tungsten,” says JJ, “but Edward, where did you put the fruit cake?”

“I put it in the kitchen with the… Oh no.”

“Toxic Grudge can only digest poisonous waste.” JJ holds up the hat, and I can see that his hand is shaking. “That toxic fruit cake ate through my Santa suit! I’ve had that suit since I was a kid. I wear it every year on Christmas... Every year, Edward, even when I was in jail. I’m supposed to do it every year!”

“I’m sorry JJ!” I shrink because I feel small.

Then he gets quiet, and just walks away.

Buddy puts a hand on my shoulder. “He’ll get over it.”

I nod, but I am not sure.

Soon after that I have to break up a fight between Screaming Skull and Magnetar. They are arguing over the music on the jukebox. Screaming Skull wants to play the Little Drummer Boy, but Magnetar wants to play Deck the Halls. I throw them both out, and then I go stand in the corner.

I ruined JJ’s Christmas. I feel really bad. Then, I look at the tie I bought him again, and I feel very stupid too.

“Feliz Navidad, Edwardo,” says El CaMeano as he stands next to me. “Why do you look so down? This is a fiesta, no?”

“Not for me, Mr. CaMeano. I broke JJ’s Santa suit and the present I got for him is not good. I am a bad friend.”

“Si, no es bueno,” he says, “but it is the holiday season. Let me tell you a story, amigo.

“Do you see those two hombres, they are called the Thunderkind and Triborg.” The man waves his hand at two villains, one is wearing a suit with lightning designs on it, and the other is a man who looks like he is part machine. “You see, these two have been amigos since they were ninos, and this year they both wished to get one another the regalo perfecto, the perfect gift.

So, Thunderkind traded me his lightning glove in exchange for a computer chip that I had acquired… how I got it is no importante… but this chip would help stabilize Triborg’s third robotic arm. However, Triborg had already traded me that very same third arm for an extended battery for his amigo’s very same lightning glove.”

“And when they gave each other their presents they realized that friendship was more important to each other than their most important possessions?” I say.

“Si... but they did not get a chance to exchange their presentas, for I used the lightning glove and robotic arm to rob them of the things I had traded them.” El CaMeano smiles as a robotic arm reaches around from behind him. Its hand is sparking with electricity.

Both men look over and quickly run away. “My point is, Edwardo, is that these holidays do not always go as expected, but what is importante are the amigos and amigas that we have along the way, and having a third arm does not hurt, si?”

“Thank you, Mr. CaMeano,” I say and he walks away. Many of the other villains get out of the way of his new arm.

“Edward?” I turn and I find JJ standing there. He hands me an envelope. “I wanted to give you your Christmas bonus for the year. It’s not much, but you deserve it.”

“Thank you, JJ, and I am sorry I ruined your suit.”

He holds up his hand. “No, Edward, I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. After I cooled off I realized that I was the one who moved the fruit cake when I was mixing the eggnog. You’re a good employee and a good friend.”

“I think you are a good amigo too.” Then I get sad again, and hold out the ugly green tie. “This is all I could get you as a gift, JJ. It is not very good.”

“Edward, I love it.” He takes it and holds it up. “This tie reminds me of one I used to have as a kid. My mother always made me wear a tie every Sunday and I had one just like this. This is the best gift I’ve gotten this year. It’s better than Buddy’s electronic calendar doodad. Calendars should be simple, not electronic.”

He takes his black tie off and clips the green onto his shirt. “Merry Christmas, Edward.”

“Merry Christmas, JJ.”